Valentine's day confessions
From: One of your 16000 ;), grade 12
To: Advik Kunta, grade 12
Advik Kunta. I remember the first time I gazed at your legs, noting its elephant-like nature and how they beautifully compliment your personality. From the moment I slept on your face, with only a pillow separating us, I knew I would spend the rest of my life with you. Not a second goes by where I think about our 3am coding sessions, or the soft feeling of your hand caressing my own. I love you Advik Kunta, and there's only one thing to do. Will you go to prom with me UwU? - Love, one of your 16000 😉
Some of these things should be kept private because they are too intimate. It seems like you are objectifying Advik because you are describing his legs with a lot of detail. But I liked that you described one of your most memorable moments with him. Remembering and sharing your best moments makes your crush know that their time was not wasted while hanging out with you because they know that they make you happy. Also it is a little too early for prom, maybe stick to a real promposal buddy to show your appreciation for Advik Kunta. Advik Kunta, you better watch yourself. I AM SERIOUSLY SCARED FOR YOUR SAFETY.
From: your girlfriend, grade 11
To: Chloe Dang, grade 12
Have you told her that you love her in real life, or is this a secret confession and you hope to say “I love you” to her soon? If you are her girlfriend, I think you should have said something about the first thing you noticed about her, your favorite moment during your first date, or just a memorable moment you had with her because it may seem like you love her for no reason. But maybe she is perfect in every way and there is no way to describe your love for her.
From: Deez, grade 10
To: Christina, grade 10
This seems like a very sweet message. Understanding is absolutely the bedrock of a healthy relationship, so I think you have something there. You can wonder forever if she feels the same way, but honestly I would say go for it. There's not much to lose except your pride and your dignity!
From: your ex husband <\3, grade 12
To: kkw, grade 12
Wow, this seems like a lot. You absolutely can not just claim a person as your own. People are, actually, not objects. You also cannot guilt trip someone into getting into a relationship. This is almost self-evident. This message gives me a horrible feeling, and I highly recommend the person this is addressed to should run.
From: Dominic, grade 12
To: Sierra Murtha, grade 12
You two are already dating, aren't you? So now you've decided to use the Hatchet to send messages to each other? We don't want to be subjected to this. I guess you could say this was a nice message, but very much not what we asked for. I hope everything goes well for you two.
From: Your chubbly bubbly, grade 12
To: Mehul Nair, grade 12
I remember the first day I saw you, Mehul-poo. It was a sunny day out in Glenmoor elementary, when I gazed upon that luscious bowl cut hair waving in the wind. I fell in love IMMEDIATELY. You were dripping so hard, it was like seeing the Niagara falls. Your Ganesha necklace swung around your neck, as can be modeled by the differential equation d²θ/dt² = (-g/L)sinθ. It was entrancing, to say the least. Throughout the years, the drips have only gotten stronger, θ only larger, the bowl cut only bowl cuttier. And I wouldn’t want it any different, Mehul-poo. I wouldn’t want it any different.”
This is very…interesting. It’s really the only way I can describe a letter expounding on the virtues of bowl cuts and drippy differential equations. Good to know that drip is a factor for love. You've clearly interacted for a long time, so if nothing else, you have a better chance than perhaps other people.
From: Anonymous, grade 11
There is literally no way for me to rate a three word love letter with zero context or apparent topicality to the subject at hand. If you were sending a secret message or whatnot, congrats. This normie has no clue what you're trying to say.
From: Anonymous, grade 12
This is very cute and sad. I really love this confession. I feel bad that you always wanted to hang out with them, but you couldn’t because of Covid. You should talk to them, get to know them if you haven’t yet tried, and maybe even hang out with them. It'll be scary at first, but if they reject you, just be proud that you went for it! It’s very cute that you made an animal crossing about the person you like. I hope everything works out!
From: Justin dy, grade 9
I really like this because it’s a very sweet story which makes it a very cute confession. I also really like the story about Mateo sticking by your side. It's really cool of him because when someone sticks by your side, you feel comfort and love. Best of luck! Hopefully, you guys will be able to live side by side FOREVER.
From: N.P., grade 12
To: Anonymous, grade 11
From: your ember ash, grade 10
To: 7+2, grade 11
My heart melted while reading this. I'm really sorry that it ended this way. I feel so bad for both of you. It's very sweet that you still care about them. I hope they still feel the same way that you do. I also know that feeling where you keep trying to be with someone, but something keeps getting in your way; I know it’s hard, but you got this. I wish you luck on your journey. 🙂
From: m.g., grade 12
To: c.b., grade 12
This letter is very precious, sweet, and heart-felt. You got straight to the point and stated how they make you feel and what your favorite feature is. But, did you touch your crush’s eyeballs or do you mean that you like the color of their eyes? I think you could have described this feature with better wording. Also, come on, you could have capitalized the “I”’s, used punctuation marks, added periods, spelled out words instead of using abbreviations, and proofread the letter before you sent it. You have to impress them with your amazing English skills because with all those mistakes, it seems like you put in minimal effort and submitted it at the very last minute.
From: Julian Miranda, grade 9
To: Anonymous, grade 9
It’s nice to feel loved even by your friends or family, not just a significant other, and receive a platonic Valentine’s message. But there is a lack of punctuation, such as giving “Valentines” an apostrophe ”s”, no period, and the “d” in “day” is not capitalized. Your friend probably won’t like this letter because you just wrote something generic that any other person can write and give to their crush or homie, and there really is no special meaning behind your letter.
Dear O.J.X. Mou (grade 9),
This is an elegant and beautiful poem. You described your crush’s physical and personal qualities that appeal the most to you with what they reminded you of. I’m glad you didn’t write a basic poem starting with “roses are red, violets are blue,” and instead came up with something original. However, you used the wrong carrot spelling. It’s “karat,” not “carat.” Also, why did you call them “my love.” They aren’t even your girlfriend yet.
To: Mateo Tinajero
Please do not refer to anyone as a "little cornbread." This is immediately off-putting to an almost indescribable level. The "UWU" at the end is just purely horrifying. Please leave this person alone, and never speak these words out loud.
From: The girl from fourth period, grade 10
To: G.R., grade 9
Another wholesome one! I think you have nothing to apologize for and honestly you should ask this person out. You may doubt yourself, but there is something so sweet about this message, that I get the sense your relationship can be just as sweet.
From: Aleesha’s lover, grade 10
To: Aleesha S, grade 10
Less confession than "list of why I like this person." Apart from that, it's obvious you have feelings for him and wish that he would reciprocate. Nicely done! This is a letter that expresses your feelings well. Good luck! I hope that he changes his mind. I wish you well.
From: Justina, grade 10
To: Anonymous, grade 10
This letter reads less like a love confession than a text message of "thanks for the favor." I also have no clue what ppgs is, and Google is less than helpful. Lastly, white toes? I would personally find it terrifying if someone dreamt of me with that description.
From: anonymous, grade 9
To: Anonymous, grade 9
This is the only letter I've seen that took the subject seriously. Clap. Clap. Clap. Congratulations! I honestly hope you two can get together. If that happens because of us, good job Hatchet.
From: Shaunak's admirer, grade 11
To: Shaunak Roy, grade 12
This confession makes you seem like a stalker but in a hilarious way, especially when you talk about how you followed Shaunak all the way to the U.S. You seem like a funny, chill person. I hope things work out with Shaunny-Bear, but STOP being a stalker!
From: Genaro tinajero, grade 9
To: Julian miranda, grade 9
This is cute! The fact that you loved this person since kindergarten means you must be loyal to them. I wonder what made you not tell them. Were you scared of rejection? Honestly, if you were, just know that it’ll be okay. No matter what happens, keep your head up high! You got this. Keep fighting to win their heart.